When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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