bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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