he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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