My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize