you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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