I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
