if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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