It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
