Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
