It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
