I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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