he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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