can we get nightvision for the apartment?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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