he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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