Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
