before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
