Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
