Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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