The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
