I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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