using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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