I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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