At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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