Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
