saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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