They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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