my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
