I heard we made out
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
