Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
