My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Randomize
