final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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