The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
