I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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