He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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