You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
