Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
