All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
