Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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