There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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