My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
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The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The power of my boobs compel you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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