Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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