dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
