Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
