i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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