So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
