You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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