i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
