Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
