So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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