i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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