I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
