It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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