he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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