no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
