No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
