: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The air was thick with penises
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
