he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
